The Waves and The Wind…

Within hours of writing my last post, I was walked into the H.R. department at work, and delivered the news that will change my life forever…

“We regret to inform you that in the re-structuring of the office this year, there is no longer a position for you here.”

The rest of the conversation is a blur to me now… about severance and unemployment,  cobra insurance and going back to school.

All I remember is that I could not stop smiling, and had to supress giggling like a schoolgirl for the next few hours.  It seemed hilarious to me at the time that I had just prayed on the way to work that morning for God to please show me if there was something He had planned for my life that was bigger and greater than that damn cubicle.

He answered my prayers almost instantly…

Despite the uncertainty of the situation,  I have NEVER felt a stronger sense of Peace in my soul than I did that afternoon.

The words of this old hymn have been echoing in my subconscious all week:

“Be Still, My Soul“
Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

I have spent the past two days being a real live stay at home mom to Donovan while Khaya is at school.

On Tuesday, we had a playdate with Donovan’s friend Olive, in which we learned that hex bugs can indeed run on Thomas the Train tracks, and will knock over any number of foam blocks that you place on those tracks.   I had a glass of wine with lunch, and didn’t shower till 5pm. (Not sure if that is normal “stay at home mom” behavior,  but it worked for me.)

Today, a very dear friend stopped by to check on me, bearing a brand new fiance.  We had coffee and discussed their wedding plans…

These are the kind of social interactions I have always wanted to have but was never able to participate in before.

It hasn’t all been good… poor Mikhaya was hit with a series of unfortunate accidents this evening… First, she slipped on the ice when I was rushing her out to the car so we could make it to the bank before it closed… As if this wasn’t traumatic enough for the little drama queen, her head got slammed in the sliding glass doors as we exited our local Sendiks after an emergency coffee run tonight…
Worst of all, we discovered on the way home that her eyeglasses were missing, and probably had been knocked off her face when she slipped on the ice… sure as shit, there they were, in pieces on my driveway. Not repairable.

So here I sit… folding socks, wondering if my Flex Spend card will still work tomorrow so I can buy my fourth pair of children’s glasses in the past six months. I guess I will have to call the H.R. department of my former employer tomorrow and figure all of that out.

I also have to decide pretty darn quickly if I want to go back to school or find a new job… I have to update my resume and get copies of my school transcripts… all the while homeschooling my son, whose baby-sitter had a whole curriculum for him and sent it home with me when I laid HER off. I have to figure out how I am going to raise this boy without her… even as I write, I am breaking down in tears for the first time since this unemployment fiasco began.

I am clinging with every breath left in me to the Voice that the waves and wind still know….

Be Still…

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